Breath of Heaven.
A song I’ve heard for several decades now at Christmastime. For me, it’s one of those songs that has been played and sung so many times that it’s lost its appeal to me. As I listened to the soloist sing this at church on Sunday, the words took on new meaning and came to life in my spirit.
Several days before, I found out that blood test results show that I have Lyme disease. This really did not come as a surprise, as I have had symptoms for several years now, but I’ve known people who have this disease and have heard of the hardships it tends to bring symptomatically and financially. I also found out that my blood sugar is borderline high, my cholesterol is high, and I have a genotype that causes my body to over-produce cholesterol. But wait…there’s more! That same gene is linked to Alzheimer’s disease. The good news is that a little bit of change will diminish most of the risks, but it has been a lot to process and has had me feeling a bit blue.
Back to Sunday morning…I’ve been leading worship regularly once a month at a local church for several years now, and this was my Sunday to be there. I was already feeling a bit down because of the previous week, and during the greeting time, I was told that I’m no longer needed. And with that, I sat down to lead the congregation in worship. I will tell you that as we sang, my brain was processing what I had just been told. You’d be surprised at how many battles were being be fought in my mind during those fifteen minutes while we lifted our voices in songs of praise, because my tendency is to turn to negative thoughts about my worth, which is exactly what the enemy wants me to do; however, after walking through years of healing, I’m learning to hear the Father’s voice above the lies, and He was reassuring me that this was not about me or my abilities. Rather, the Spirit was saying, “I’m about to do something new.”
To be honest, I had been holding on to something that I knew I needed to let go of. Letting go of this area of serving had been on my mind for some time, but I’m passionate about leading worship, had developed friendships within the church, it was a source of income in a season of debt related to the album I released earlier this year, and sometimes holding on is easier than letting go. Having the decision made for me was in a way a relief, but even so, hurt a bit.
Following the worship time, a sweet friend started singing Breath of Heaven for special music. What does any of this has to do with the song? Stay with me. I’m getting there soon, but first let me share the lyrics with you.
I have traveled many moonless night
Cold and weary with a babe inside
And I wonder what I’ve done
Holy Father, You have come and chosen me now to carry your Son
I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone, must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now… Be with me now
Breath of heaven, hold me together
Be forever near me, breath of heaven
Breath of heaven, lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For You are holy…Breath of heaven
Do You wonder as You watch my face
If a wiser one should have had my place?
But I offer all I am for the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong…Help me be…Help me
Breath of heaven, hold me together
Be forever near me, breath of heaven
Breath of heaven, lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For You are holy…Breath of heaven
(by Amy Grant & Chris Eaton)
Have you ever listened to this song not from a Christmas perspective? In my heart, I suddenly found myself identifying with the main character in the story line…Mary.
The “moonless nights” represent the darkness I’ve walked through following deep wounding within the church community.
While I’m not with child, my body is a temple in which the Holy Spirit dwells.
Father God has chosen me, as He has chosen you, to carry the light of his Son, Jesus Christ, to the world around us. We have all been created uniquely and are gifted in different ways to accomplish this. I’ve personally been called to do this through music and through a heart that loves to worship and leads others in His worship.
I find myself now in a season of waiting for the “something new”. I’ve always had a feeling that my music ministry would take me beyond the borders of my little hometown in PA. And, if I dare make myself vulnerable to you, I’ll share that I’ve always felt it will take me to states across this great big country we live in. Now, that can be a scary thought, and I definitely know it’s not something that I can do on my own. So, while I wait, I’ll pray that Christ will be with me. That his Spirit will hold me together and that I’ll forever feel his presence near me. That his light will break through the darkness that tries to fight it’s way into my life. That his breath will be the source that sustains me. That I will live a life of holiness and complete devotion to God.
I’m grateful for a God who continues to love even when I find myself full of questions, fear and doubt. There have been and will be days where I wonder, “why me?” Why would He choose to use me in such a way when there are younger, way more talented people out there who can do things much better than me. Even so, I am willing to offer all I am for the sake of his calling on my life.
And I plead for him to help me be strong. I know that He will do so, because He said, “My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.” His promises are backed by the honor of his name.
I don’t know what tomorrow, or next week, or next year may hold, but I know that wherever He leads, I’ll be held together in his care.
Luke 1:26-38…Mary’s story
In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a village in Galilee, to a virgin named Mary. She was engaged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of King David. Gabriel appeared to her and said, “Greeting, favored woman! The Lord is with you!” Confused and disturbed, Mary tried to think what the angel could mean. “Don’t be frightened, Mary,” the angel told her, “for God has decided to bless you! You will become pregnant and have a son, and you are to name him Jesus. He will be very great and will be called the Son of the Most High. And the Lord God will give him the throne of his ancestor David. And he will reign over Israel forever; His Kingdom will never end!” Mary asked the angel, “But how can I have a baby? I am a virgin.” The angel replied, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So, the baby born to you will be holy, and he will be called the Son of God. What’s more, your relative Elizabeth has become pregnant in her old age! People used to say she was barren, but she’s already in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God.” Mary responded, “I am the Lord’s servant, and I am willing to accept whatever he wants. May everything you have said come true.” And then the angel left.